Dear ELLE,
With love,
It looks like sometimes a waste of time.
I had a terrible night full of nightmares and deep thoughts. Not afraid of something but depressed and disapointed of something. That thing is called LOVE. Even if you don't want to, love is always coming after you. I never wanted to be in love. "That is so foolish. People believing in fairy tailes and happy endings with their 'prince', that is just ridiculous." that's what I had always thought. Then I totally fell in love as everyone else. But it wasn't my fault after all, it was his fault. He was the beautiful one, he was the gorgeous one, he was the kind one, he was my deep satisfaction, he was my wonderwall, he was my everything, he was in my thoughts, he was in my dreams, he was my whole reason of life. I never talked about "love" to someone, even with my sister or mother because I never wanted to believe in it. And now that I belive it, it's becoming painful and sad. Firstly, I was so innocent and naive that I didn't care about the consequences/problems of our "future" relationship. I used to spend my whole time thinking about him and wondering how perfect and amazing we could be if we were together.
But the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.
And that's what is happening to me. Many women are blaming that guys cheated on them and they broke up because of that and that, but what about my reality? At least, they had the chance to have a moment in their lives when they were happy with their 'princes'. I didn't, I don't and I won't. I never gave up but some day, I might.
It couldn't be more hurtful: see the person you have loved and venerated in the last 3 years, loving a person who ingnores him. He loves her so much. She's so beautiful as well as he is. They both would look great together. I'm just a depressed girl writing her feelings on a blog with an awful appearence. And no, I'm not the kind of girl who's in love with a person by his/her physical appearence. I just love his personality, his eyes, his smile, the way he looks at me even if he's in love with other godess, his way to be him, I love everything from him. And that is why all of these things make him so perfect.
It looks like sometimes a waste of time.
My heart was full of blood. A drop of blood was a tear. I gave you so many love, so many parts of my heary and I didn't receive nothing in return. All I got was contempt and tears. After a year and a half, I had lost half of my heart blood. After another year and a half, I had no more blood in my heart. I couldn't cry anymore. It was just so painful. When their eyes met mine again today, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He was having maybe the best moment of his life, by kissing and holding the girl he most devoted and adored. He actually did it and looked at me. I was just buying a coffee at Starbucks! And there he was, in a delightful moment on his life. My heart? Yeah, still with no blood. That's why it broke. All I have now inside are little pieces of my heart and my new achievement of my life is to rebuild the broken heart and fill it with more blood for later. It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces. I'll never ever forget him. I'll let him be happy with the girl he loves because I love him. I want him to be happy.
It looks sometimes a waste of time.
It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.
With love,
- M
